No Mr. Moore, I do not give you permission to date my 16 year old daughter.

I just cleaned out my attic yesterday and came across a letter I forgot to mail to you, Mr. Moore. I wrote the letter thirty-eight years at the request of my recently departed wife — God rest her Christan-ten-commandment-abiding soul. I vividly remember writing this letter. It is dated 6/31/79. I wrote it not long after you asked my wife whether you could have permission to bang my newly pubescent sixteen-year-old daughter at the time. Enough of the preliminaries, here is the text of that unmailed letter to you. …Dear Mr. Moore, My wife and I spoke this evening about the conversation you and she had earlier today. You know — the one where you asked my wife whether you, a man of more than thirty years, could have permission to date my sixteen-year-old daughter, and perhaps, bang her. The answer to your request, Mr. Moore is “No, you may not bang my sixteen-year-old daughter.” I wasn’t born yesterday. I can understand how someone of the male subspecies might want to engage in certain biologically involved activities with my darling Suzie — especially given the fact that she is just recently coming to grips with her fresh, perky, nubile teenage body. However, she is still struggling with teenage things– things like algebra, her new cheerleading routine, and making a little extra cash from babysitting during the week. I just don’t think that she is quite ready to struggle with fending off the exploring hands and other rigid body parts of a thirty-two-year-old, fully grown man. All hope may not be lost for you, though, Mr. Moore. There are scores of naive, nubile, teenage girls at the newly opened Gadsen mall. You may want to give that mall a little look-see. With regards and Roll, Tide, Roll! Harold S.

A Moment of Silence for all Future Deaths of Gun Violence

Let us now take a moment of silence for all the future gun violence deaths that would have been prevented if Congress had passed reasonable, common sense gun control laws. I am tired of meaningless moments of silence. I am tired of fighting this gun control battle. I cannot conceive of how anybody in this universe can defend the legality of such a weapon that killed so many people. But as usual — after such a tragedy, gun sales will go up. In fact, sales for the very weapon this man used to kill so many people will skyrocket. So will the stock for the company that sold the weapon. In my view, people should respond to this tragedy in silence. No amount of begging, crying, praying, or loud public protestations will do any good. Nor will it change anything. Silence is our most powerful response to this tragedy. Let’s see what the NRA has to say about this matter without anyone to berate.

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